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JOKES!!!!!

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As an electrician you have to strip to make ends meet!

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A couple of fishing buddies were fishing almost under a bridge. After a while a funeral procession went across the bridge. One fellow pulled in his line, put his rod down, stood up, took off his hat, and put his hand over his heart in respectful salute.
After the procession passed, his buddy said "Ralph, I had no idea that you were so reverent."
Ralph replied "Seems like the right thing to do. After all, we were married for almost twenty years."
 
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said..." Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said... "You remember the jewelery store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well... I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 
Being interviewed for a newspaper article on a couple celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary the reporter had one particular question to ask. He said that he understood that the couple had never had an argument during their whole marriage. Turning to Mary he asked her if she could explain how that could come to be.

Mary began that they were married at a small chapel back in the horse and buggy days. It was raining quite hard when they finished the ceremony, got in their buggy to head to the new cabin John had built for them to live in.

The road home was terrible muddy from all the rain and the poor horse slipped and fell. John got down and sloshed through the mud to help the horse back up. I heard him mutter, "That's once." He climbed back up in to the buggy and we proceeded on down the road. We hadn't gone too far when the horse slipped and fell again. John got down and helped the horse back up. I heard him mutter, "That's Twice!" Back in the buggy we continued to go towards our home when the horse slipped and fell again. John hollered at the horse, "That's Thrice!" Drew his revolver and shot the horse in the head, dead!

Mary in shock hollered at John, "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?". Turning to Mary, shaking his finger John said, "That's Once!"
 
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A man buys a parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cussing him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.

He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry for what I said, I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."

The man says, "Well...thank you parrot. I forgive you."

The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
 
A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
‘Your card! Show him your card!’
 
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