SMSgtRod
Professional
John did some good stuff, would have been great in Ghostbuster's........
JOKES!!!!!
- Thread starter TEXASforLIFE
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GeorgiaGal
Operator
SMSgtRod
Professional
At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated, he left.
A few minutes later, I passed him outside the office on the phone.“Hey, Dad,” he said. “What’s Mom’s first name?”
A few minutes later, I passed him outside the office on the phone.“Hey, Dad,” he said. “What’s Mom’s first name?”
SMSgtRod
Professional
Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.
“Each year, the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard,” he said.
“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked.
The guide replied, “One.”
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I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change customers had dropped during the night. Years later, as an adult, I found out that my father would throw a few coins over the bar for us to find in the morning. It cost him only a dollar a day to have us fight to be the first one to clean the bar.
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My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.”
“But Aunt Marie,” I said, “18 months and a year and a half are the same.”
She shrugged. “What do I know? I never had kids.”
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Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says.
His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, “That’s a mirror.”
“Each year, the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard,” he said.
“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked.
The guide replied, “One.”
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I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change customers had dropped during the night. Years later, as an adult, I found out that my father would throw a few coins over the bar for us to find in the morning. It cost him only a dollar a day to have us fight to be the first one to clean the bar.
*********************************************************************************************
My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.”
“But Aunt Marie,” I said, “18 months and a year and a half are the same.”
She shrugged. “What do I know? I never had kids.”
***********************************************************************************************
Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says.
His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, “That’s a mirror.”
SMSgtRod
Professional
I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one had pushed the other onto a stout groundhog.
In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?”
After the startled and likely embarrassed bunnies scuttled away, the groundhog stayed in the same position for a few moments before waddling off, still in a huff. I’ll never forget that woodchuck’s shocked face!
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When I told my son where milk comes from, he asked, “Mama, how do the cows sit on those little bottles?”
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A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?”
“Yes,” the grandpa replied.
“Did he make you, too?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” the girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair, “he sure is doing a better job nowadays!”
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Shortly after we moved to rural South Carolina, we found out Clemson Ag Extension was selling all sorts of berry and fruit trees at great rates. We needed quite a few things because the property we bought was cleared cow pasture and, besides a huge pecan tree, had no other trees on it.
So I ordered blueberry and blackberry bushes and apple, peach and pear trees. When it came time to pick up the order, my friend called to ask if I could pick hers up, too. I told her we’d better take two trucks.
When I got to the extension office I was shocked to find the pickup area empty except for some little bundles of twigs tied with string. I asked where my order was and the attendant led me to one of those bundles. They were bare root cuttings, which take up very little space. I could lift mine in one hand.
I mentioned to the attendant that I felt silly bringing a truck to pick up the order. It was then that I noticed a man behind me. He ruefully stated, “Don’t feel bad; I brought a trailer.”
In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?”
After the startled and likely embarrassed bunnies scuttled away, the groundhog stayed in the same position for a few moments before waddling off, still in a huff. I’ll never forget that woodchuck’s shocked face!
*********************************************************************************************
When I told my son where milk comes from, he asked, “Mama, how do the cows sit on those little bottles?”
**********************************************************************************************
A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?”
“Yes,” the grandpa replied.
“Did he make you, too?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” the girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair, “he sure is doing a better job nowadays!”
*************************************************************************************************
Shortly after we moved to rural South Carolina, we found out Clemson Ag Extension was selling all sorts of berry and fruit trees at great rates. We needed quite a few things because the property we bought was cleared cow pasture and, besides a huge pecan tree, had no other trees on it.
So I ordered blueberry and blackberry bushes and apple, peach and pear trees. When it came time to pick up the order, my friend called to ask if I could pick hers up, too. I told her we’d better take two trucks.
When I got to the extension office I was shocked to find the pickup area empty except for some little bundles of twigs tied with string. I asked where my order was and the attendant led me to one of those bundles. They were bare root cuttings, which take up very little space. I could lift mine in one hand.
I mentioned to the attendant that I felt silly bringing a truck to pick up the order. It was then that I noticed a man behind me. He ruefully stated, “Don’t feel bad; I brought a trailer.”
The second one is spot on, money does buy better lawyers and a better shot at a better outcome.
If you're talking corporate attorneys, in the first one, those guys will bill you if they think about your case for a second while making breakfast.
What do you call 500 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
I've heard all of them
Two young boys were very rough around the edges . They cussed and fought all the time.
Their mother , completely fed up with it all , set her foot down and told them both the next time she heard them cuss she would slap them down.
Well the next morning she yelled up the stairs for the two boys to come down for breakfast. The oldest one was first down the stairs with his brother right behind him. Mom asked the first what he wanted for breakfast. The oldest boy said he wanted some %$# *&@# pancakes. SLAP!! He goes rolling across the room crying . Mom looks at the second boy and says well what do you want ?
He look at his mom , looked at his older brother laying there crying , and said " Well I'm not sure but I know I don't want any of these %$# *&@# pan cakes!
Their mother , completely fed up with it all , set her foot down and told them both the next time she heard them cuss she would slap them down.
Well the next morning she yelled up the stairs for the two boys to come down for breakfast. The oldest one was first down the stairs with his brother right behind him. Mom asked the first what he wanted for breakfast. The oldest boy said he wanted some %$# *&@# pancakes. SLAP!! He goes rolling across the room crying . Mom looks at the second boy and says well what do you want ?
He look at his mom , looked at his older brother laying there crying , and said " Well I'm not sure but I know I don't want any of these %$# *&@# pan cakes!
TEXASforLIFE
Ronin
What was the dirtiest thing said on TV, "Ward, I think your being too hard on the Beaver!"
TEXASforLIFE
Ronin
There were 2 Aggies at the beach one day.
1 said too the other, "Look at that pretty girl!"
The girl looked at 1 of them and smiled!
The 2nd Aggie said too the other, "What should I do?"
The first Aggie said, "Smile back at her!" So he did.
Then the girl winked at the 2nd Aggie.
The 2nd Aggie asked again, "What should I do?"
The 1st Aggie replied, "Wink back at her!" So the 2nd 1 did.
The girl took of her bikini top.
The 2nd Aggie said, "Wow! What should I do?"
The 1st Aggie said, "Show her your nuts!"
So the 2nd Aggie put his thumbs to his ears and wiggled his fingers and went, "Bla bla bla!"
1 said too the other, "Look at that pretty girl!"
The girl looked at 1 of them and smiled!
The 2nd Aggie said too the other, "What should I do?"
The first Aggie said, "Smile back at her!" So he did.
Then the girl winked at the 2nd Aggie.
The 2nd Aggie asked again, "What should I do?"
The 1st Aggie replied, "Wink back at her!" So the 2nd 1 did.
The girl took of her bikini top.
The 2nd Aggie said, "Wow! What should I do?"
The 1st Aggie said, "Show her your nuts!"
So the 2nd Aggie put his thumbs to his ears and wiggled his fingers and went, "Bla bla bla!"
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TEXASforLIFE
Ronin
This was from a kid on David Letterman one night.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam!
Madam who?
My dam* foot is caught in the door!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam!
Madam who?
My dam* foot is caught in the door!
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TEXASforLIFE
Ronin
This is based on an actual event.
There was a plumber of an elderly age and his helper on a job one day and hit had been a long one. As they were heading back too town the helper had been wanting too tell the aged plumber something. He finally told him that he had aids. The elderly man started to get mad at him, because he had spent 14 hours with him working. As the helper was explaining his aids issue the man was getting even more mad. After several minutes the helper told him what aids stood for, Annual Income Decency Syndrom. The elderly man still outraged he didn't think it was funny!
Yes the seriousness of AIDS is no laughing matter, don't send me any hate replies, please!
There was a plumber of an elderly age and his helper on a job one day and hit had been a long one. As they were heading back too town the helper had been wanting too tell the aged plumber something. He finally told him that he had aids. The elderly man started to get mad at him, because he had spent 14 hours with him working. As the helper was explaining his aids issue the man was getting even more mad. After several minutes the helper told him what aids stood for, Annual Income Decency Syndrom. The elderly man still outraged he didn't think it was funny!
Yes the seriousness of AIDS is no laughing matter, don't send me any hate replies, please!
Annihilator
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