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JOKES!!!!!

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The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.

Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye al to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
 
PepperGuy said:
The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.

Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye al to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Click to expand...

LOL. We could go the other way with this too... to Scotland.

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  • Tourist: "I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip. Highland waiter: "Let me add up that bill again, sir."
  • Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope, and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.
  • Donald: "Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie? Sandy: "Seen one? I married one!"
  • Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye take your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (as usual), goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns Unit."
  • What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A Rolling Stone says, "hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says, "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Currently, the biggest joke in Scotland is the national football team:

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A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.
I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.

In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown!

ON SCOTSMEN & KILTS:
  • A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.
  • Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...
He asks the bartender, "What the fook is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap exclaims, "Fook me! How big are the cats?"

A scottish man had been working for years building his own brewery.
He carefully developed his favorite brews. Meticulously crafting flavors he loved. He was involved in every step, from hop selection, to bottle choices, to even designing the labels with his picture on the bottles, flowing red locks and all.
...As he began bottling and kegging his new crafts he went from pub to pub. And each time he was meet with rejection. Not one offer crossed his path.
Tired, and frustrated he finally asked one of the bar owners why he wouldn't buy his beer.
"Sorry mate, we're a pub; we don't serve ginger ale."
🤪
 
I don't get it.
My political joke was removed even though they were allowed since the beginning.
So what is allowed there were jokes about Mexicans ,Irishmen and other ethnic and religious groups, I suppose they are off limits too.
let's hear the new rules and eliminate all the preceding posts and start over.
 
Wirenut said:
I don't get it.
My political joke was removed even though they were allowed since the beginning.
So what is allowed there were jokes about Mexicans ,Irishmen and other ethnic and religious groups, I suppose they are off limits too.
let's hear the new rules and eliminate all the preceding posts and start over.
Click to expand...
New rules and an explanation were posted to the top of The Lounge. You are correct, political posts are no longer allowed and we removed any posts that violate the new rules including ethnic and religious jokes. It’s all explained in the Re-opening post.
If you find something we missed let us know.
 
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